ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Randomize
