Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This house was built for laser tag.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
