I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
