Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
