My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
