you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
