He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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