every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
