Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
