remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
