happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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