I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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