im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
