alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
