Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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