if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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