broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
