The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
