Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
