Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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