he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
