dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize