Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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