TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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