She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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