I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
