there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
