I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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