I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
