my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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