doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
