mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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