Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
