there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
