i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
please come you make the beer taste better
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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