somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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