Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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