I want to have your abortion
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
