Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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