He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
