you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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