And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
