I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
