the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
