We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
