He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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