new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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