so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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