He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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