youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize