i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
