just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
