Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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