i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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