there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
