if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
