I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
