I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
