I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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